How many of you began training Karate because you once (probably as a kid or teenager) saw a cool film, or read an awesome book?
I’d be willing to bet many….
And I recently came across one such book.
It’s called “Kung-Fu”.
(Yeah, that’s the whole title.)
See for yourself:
Strangely enough, it doesn’t even have an author.
Or, it probably does, but as the book says:
“The honorable Kung-Fu master [author] would have been severely punished if it had been known that he taught his secret techniques in this book, and therefore his identity must remain secret.
This is also why the book contains no photographs [only illustrations]. While the honorable Kung-Fu master demonstrated his techniques, an artist drew the illustrations that are featured in this book. Thought the techniques are very advanced, the artist has tried to keep the illustrations simple.”
So, here’s the deal:
This book (well, it’s more of a pamphlet than a book) seems to be some kind of guide for how to learn ‘secret’ Kung-Fu. I think it was bought in a flea market a long time ago. It’s written in a mixture of Swedish, Finnish, English and French, and it basically teaches you – in a very enjoyable fashion – how to flip out and kill people.
I’d guess it’s a couple of decades old.
And it’s totally serious.
Here’s the whole package:
As you can see, the whole title is now revealed, and (written in French?!), it says: “Methode Secrete de Lutte Chinoise”, which translates to “The Secret Methods of Chinese Wrestling”.
Oh, my god! How cool isn’t that?!
And did you notice that black card above? It is some sort of “Certificate of Authenticity” and, believe it or not, it’s issued by The National Self Defence Council U.S. Headquarters – Washington D.C.
So, basically, we’re dealing with some heavily classified stuff here!
And to make things even more mysterious, this red illustration is seen everywhere in the book:
This book is so cool that if I found it as a kid, chances are I would be in a Shaolin temple right now!
So let’s look at some of the techniques then:
But, before we start, remember the warning that the book gives us:
“Watch out for a patient man’s rage”
Got it?
Good.
Now, let’s start with my favorite chapter. Here’s a full translation:
“Kung-Fu Weapon Against Several Opponents #1”
Situation:
You are standing with two thugs who are about to assault You. They are ex-convicts and they want to steal Your wallet. They are insulting Your female companion, and they are also rockers, who want to punch You, like a “game”.
When such people have grabbed a hold of You, the best strategy is always to appear weak and defenseless. Let them not know, that they have just attacked a Kung-Fu master. If they don’t know this, they won’t be on guard against Your Kung-Fu weapons: knees, feet and elbows. They think You will be using Your hands to defend Yourself, since most pople do this. This is where the moment of surprise is.
Defense:
When You notice that the opponent is close enough, and You are sure they won’t fight back, kick hard on the ankle of Your right opponent, and do the same in a flash to the opponent on Your left. These kicks will come as a surprise. The big pain in their legs will make them release their grip on Your arms for a moment. Use this moment to Your advantage. Move to the side and aim a violent and deadly elbow to the chest of the opponent to one side, and do the same to the other, with Your other elbow.
Do not take any risks. Be quick. Turn Your body to the left, and kick one opponent in the groin. He will fall to the ground, screaming from the pain. Turn a quarter-circle to the left and kick the second opponent square on the jaw with Your left foot. He will fall down loudly.
Result:
In this way, both opponents are out of the game. You can now calmly walk away. You are leaving the both bandits more dead than alive”
Wow…
How about that?
What I love about this book, aside from the obvious comical violence (along with the description of the “thugs”) is how sure the author constantly is that this or that will always happen. It’s like, he’s done this a hundred times, and trust him, the result is always the same. “There must be no room for alternatives in real Kung-Fu!”
And of course, the illustrations always show your opponents dropping like dead flies around you, while “Your woman” stands in the background!
Now let’s look at another great scenario.
This is like taken straight out of a (very cool) movie:
“Kung-Fu Weapon Against Several Opponents #4”
Situation:
You are surrounded by a flock of greasy rockers.
Weapons:
Never forget that a gang of thugs are mostly interested in showing themselves off. They only fight when they are in a pack. They act so cowardly that they only fight a man if they are 5-6 people.
The only thing they want to do if they see You on the street, is to make a mess. Never depend on anything else than Your fists. This is what will save You.
But remember, You also have six other hidden weapons. For instance, Your elbows are 10 times as strong as your fists, something which scientists have known a long time. Bend Your arm, and You have a mortal weapon. The same is true about Your knee. Bend Your leg, and You have one of the deadliest weapons a man can ever have. Use it swiftly, and it will me truly mortal.
Defense:
Use EVERY deadly weapon that You have. Begin by aiming for the two closest opponents with Your elbows. Next, go for the bandit in front of You, with a violent straight kick, using Your right foot. Another opponent will now approach from the left, so attack him with a kick to the temple, while You easily elbow strike another opponent at the same time.
Rats like these, who always appear in packs, are famous for not being able to withstand pain. Thanks to Your attacks, using elbows, knees and kicks on their most vulnerable points, the robbers will have disappeared before even getting the chance to touch You. When You have beaten up 4-5 of them the rest will surely flee, since they have just discovered Your secret weapon – Kung-Fu.
Result:
This is probably one of the worst fight You can be in. But Your opponents will be completely gone. You can calmly continue strolling with Your female companion. You will be surprised to be the victor of the day.
This is what it will look like:
Well, I think that’s my two favorites.
Of course there’s more stuff, like some joint locks, headbutts, takedowns, how to “crush your opponents chest completely” and other crazy stuff too, but I feel my website will lose every inch of credibility if has left (if there is any) if I write more about this wonderful book.
Anyway, I thought I would just let you know that there is now officially a book more important to Karate than the Bubishi.
It’s called “Kung-Fu”.
And it rocks.
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